Sunday, 3 March 2013

International Mates

Manchester Roller Derby played at home against Kallio Rolling Rainbow and it was intense. We helped.

So many goodies
We also got helped out ourselves, by a glasses and shoe-robbing gremlin. 

Our advertising taskforce. 

Some pretty cool people came by the booth and let us paparazzi them buying stuff. Ferrari bows, derby rosettes and bout survival kits are this season's must-have accessories! Thanks to all our mates who came and said hi and gave us money. 

 Then it was time for some roller derby when we all remembered the point of being there. The MRD Phoenix Furies beat the Evolution Rollergirls before Kallio made their presence known by storming the A-team game.  

Everyone lined up for handslaps and then it was time for cake and whiskey.

Certificates, emotional moments and a panicked packup later, and it was partytime. There's never any point describing an afterparty, but there was Sir Mixalot, so that's that. See you next time!

Thursday, 28 February 2013

Hail skatin'

Ash just made this and the Inquadibles team is radiating pride. 

As shown.

Praise the Stitch of Darkness!


Tuesday, 26 February 2013


Pimpin' ain't easy, and neither is bout day. 

Bruises not losers.
We got to thinkin' what would be useful for those situations where surgery or doping would be overkill, but you can't quite cope under your own steam. Your body is crying out for snacks and sleep, your feet begin to train rebellious blister squads, and the sweat is washing your war paint away. 

The ideal cure isn't always the most practical.
Falling asleep in a bowl of nibbles is of course an option between jams, but come on. You can do better. All it takes is some fuel and some encouragement. And a zip, zips are important.

We've got you covered! A pretty sweet homemade bag that just wants you to get up and win, full of helpful stuff. Salty chapped lips are dig honey-flavoured (but still vegan!) lip balm, and you can crush the blister uprising with the cutest plasters you ever did see. Fuel up with some little fruity snackers, wipe away the shred-sweat and then have a lollipop. Because you deserve it. 

Yes you do, hen. Yes you do.
We'll be selling these on the stall at the MRD vs. Kallio Rolling Rainbow bout this weekend, and you can catch them from our online store too! Enjoy. 

- Ash. 

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Four Graverobbers

Once upon a time...

There was the Black Death. The end.

He's not even sorry about how short that story was.

A particularly nasty feature of the Plague was that dead people didn't stop being contagious for quite a while, and those suckers were everywere. Which inevitably landed some people in some pretty nasty jobs. In the name of science, penance or plain old survival, people sometimes had to go and deal with the human body equivalent of Chernobyl.

Something like that, anyway.

We picked our three favourite tasks and decided to cook up a homage to them that just might help you survive your own horrific plague-stank. You know you've got it. It's lurking in your kit bag right now, making your wristguards smell like a fart in a hot tub full of vinegar.

Andy kept his kneepads right next to his skateboard.

  • Horrible job #1 - Failed thief. The story goes that a particularly sadistic (or resourceful) judge condemned four thieves to go around their 'hood in 18th century France, otherwise known as Plague O' Clock, and bury the dead. They apparently used cloths soaked in a mixture of clove, cinnamon, eucalyptus, lemon and rosemary to breathe through and didn't die.

The face of community service in 18th centruy Paris.

  • Horrible job #2 - Perfume maker. Actually this doesn't sound so bad. Presumably everybody was busy during the Black Death, and forgot Valentine's day. That date made up 90-120% of a perfumery's income, so some enterprising stinkers made a similar brew to the robbers, adding lavender and other fragrancy bits in order to stay safe and avoid smelling like the graves they were robbing to make ends meet.

More like graveyard thrift.

  • Horrible job #3 - Malaria burglar. To do this horrible job you had to live in New Orleans, which speaks for itself. While they quickly realised it takes more than a cloth and some herby vinegar to ward off a hurricane, breakers and enterers at least kept themselves safe from malaria with a quick spray of herb-infused sour red wine. 

The safe side.

That brings us to modern times, and roller derby, and all the plagues and smells that go along with it. We were sick of needing a HAZMAT suit just to go into the changing room or be within 10 metres of an unfastened wrist guard, so we picked the best bits of each elixir and made our own: The Inquadible Graverobbers' Stank-Away! Here are some insights into the manufacturing process:

You need some cloves. As shown, each clove is around 5 feet long.

Knowing the thyme is very important. The concoction must be finished at exactly midnight!

In fact you'll need a whole load of herbs. Ask an adult to help you if you don't have a lego army.

Cinnamon grows on Mars but we were lucky enough to find a distributor.

All this and more should be whacked into a large jar, and protected from sunlight and evil spirits.

In a month and a day, open the jar and apply liberally; you'll be smelling fresher than ever before! 
In case you couldn't quite follow the recipe, we'll be selling Graverobbers' Stank-Away at selected UK bouts from March onwards. Anywhere we think the players are the smelliest, or most corpse-like, (maybe you have suggestions? Let us know!) but especially the MRD vs Kallio Rolling Rainbow bout! 

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

In-quad-ible Origins

There have always been oddities. Hammerheads, Talking Heads, those big stone heads on Easter Island, the number-enjoying eggheads who sent dudes to the moon... there's a lot of evidence that odd works. 

Such as this lunatic. He's doing fine.

And we're pretty sure there's always been Roller Derby. The invention of the wheel, the jostling of shoulders in the Roman Forum, the bloody-mindedness of the  first crowd to enjoy a good public execution. It really can only have been leading up to one thing:

Badasses on wheels, that's what.

So here we are. When Derby and Oddness love each other very much (and oh do they ever!) that might just lead to... frustration and confusion, probably. But just this once, that union produced us.

Aren't you glad? We and our family of Sleazy Creatures (we'll introduce them soon!) made our first tentative steps into the "real" world at a triple-league bout between Lincoln, Manchester and Furness. It was intense. 

We helped.

Spice Girl brownies were gobbled, homecooked lip balm was salivated over, and best of all the Sleazy Creatures got packed off to loving new homes! 

So there it is: odder is better. We're looking forward to a weird future in the derby world, you barmy lot. 

(Badass derby girl illustration by Kali Ciesemier. Daft deer photo, who knows. The other photos are all ours!)