Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Four Graverobbers

Once upon a time...

There was the Black Death. The end.

He's not even sorry about how short that story was.

A particularly nasty feature of the Plague was that dead people didn't stop being contagious for quite a while, and those suckers were everywere. Which inevitably landed some people in some pretty nasty jobs. In the name of science, penance or plain old survival, people sometimes had to go and deal with the human body equivalent of Chernobyl.

Something like that, anyway.

We picked our three favourite tasks and decided to cook up a homage to them that just might help you survive your own horrific plague-stank. You know you've got it. It's lurking in your kit bag right now, making your wristguards smell like a fart in a hot tub full of vinegar.

Andy kept his kneepads right next to his skateboard.

  • Horrible job #1 - Failed thief. The story goes that a particularly sadistic (or resourceful) judge condemned four thieves to go around their 'hood in 18th century France, otherwise known as Plague O' Clock, and bury the dead. They apparently used cloths soaked in a mixture of clove, cinnamon, eucalyptus, lemon and rosemary to breathe through and didn't die.

The face of community service in 18th centruy Paris.

  • Horrible job #2 - Perfume maker. Actually this doesn't sound so bad. Presumably everybody was busy during the Black Death, and forgot Valentine's day. That date made up 90-120% of a perfumery's income, so some enterprising stinkers made a similar brew to the robbers, adding lavender and other fragrancy bits in order to stay safe and avoid smelling like the graves they were robbing to make ends meet.

More like graveyard thrift.

  • Horrible job #3 - Malaria burglar. To do this horrible job you had to live in New Orleans, which speaks for itself. While they quickly realised it takes more than a cloth and some herby vinegar to ward off a hurricane, breakers and enterers at least kept themselves safe from malaria with a quick spray of herb-infused sour red wine. 

The safe side.

That brings us to modern times, and roller derby, and all the plagues and smells that go along with it. We were sick of needing a HAZMAT suit just to go into the changing room or be within 10 metres of an unfastened wrist guard, so we picked the best bits of each elixir and made our own: The Inquadible Graverobbers' Stank-Away! Here are some insights into the manufacturing process:

You need some cloves. As shown, each clove is around 5 feet long.

Knowing the thyme is very important. The concoction must be finished at exactly midnight!

In fact you'll need a whole load of herbs. Ask an adult to help you if you don't have a lego army.

Cinnamon grows on Mars but we were lucky enough to find a distributor.

All this and more should be whacked into a large jar, and protected from sunlight and evil spirits.

In a month and a day, open the jar and apply liberally; you'll be smelling fresher than ever before! 
In case you couldn't quite follow the recipe, we'll be selling Graverobbers' Stank-Away at selected UK bouts from March onwards. Anywhere we think the players are the smelliest, or most corpse-like, (maybe you have suggestions? Let us know!) but especially the MRD vs Kallio Rolling Rainbow bout! 

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